


You're Not Fine

by Writer_Geekgirl



Series: Season 13 Codas [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Coda, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode: s13e13 Devil's Bargain, First Kiss, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-11
Updated: 2018-02-11
Packaged: 2019-03-16 17:22:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,653
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13640940
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Writer_Geekgirl/pseuds/Writer_Geekgirl
Summary: Castiel and Dean talk in the bunker after they fail to capture Lucifer. Castiel is not fine, and Dean knows it.





	You're Not Fine

Dean paused. His eyes met Castiel's across the war table. He shook his head slightly. "Cas, I'm sorry. All that time you with Asmodeus, I-I should've known it wasn't you."

Cas sighed tiredly, "Well, he's a shapeshifter. Besides, I was the one who got myself captured." He looked away for a moment.

Dean winced slightly, "Yeah, but if Sam and I knew, you know, we would've…"

Castiel interrupted reassuringly. "Yeah, I know, I know. You would've tried another long shot. I'm fine, Dean."

"You sure about that?" Dean looked at Castiel through narrowed eyes. 

Castiel said in a frustrated voice. "Right now, all that matters is getting Jack and your mother out of that place. Okay?" Castiel looked away for a moment and then continued, "Look, I promised Kelly that I would protect her son. I intend to keep that promise."

The clang of the bunker door sounded, as Sam arrived with Donatello.

Dean whispered under his breath, "You're not fine. We will talk about this later." 

Castiel sighed and turned to face the staircase.

\-----

They returned to the bunker after taking and missing their chance to capture Lucifer. Donatello was sitting at the table, eating chicken wings, and trying to decipher the tablet. Sam, Dean, and Castiel sat down tiredly. They were beat. 

They talked for a few minutes, while Dean cleaned his guns. When Sam tried to talk to Donatello, he shouted at them in irritation. Castiel leaned back in his chair, resigned. Dean closed his eyes. Sam tried to reassure everyone that they had a plan, but Castiel's shoulders continued to droop. He stood up quietly and headed to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee. As the coffee was brewing, Castiel leaned against the counter and took a deep breath. He looked down at his feet. He could hear the shuffle of Dean's feet as he entered the kitchen. Castiel squared his shoulders for the inevitable conversation that was going to take place.

"Cas, tell me what you are feeling. You aren't fine."

Castiel closed his eyes and patiently said, "I am fine, Dean. We just need to focus on the mission."

Dean reached out his hand and put it on Castiel's arm. "We are focusing on the mission, but there's nothing we can do until Donatello finishes translating the spell on the demon tablet. Look, Cas, I get that you are stressed about Jack and Mom. I do. But you are wound up so tight, you are going to explode. When you do, you might make a move that gets you hurt or killed again. I can't go through that again. Talk to me, Cas." Dean looked at him beseechingly.

"I'm fine, Dean…no, no, I'm not." Castiel's eyes met Dean's. He stared at him for a long moment, emotions flickered across his eyes. "I'm not fine."

Dean started rubbing Castiel's arm. "Buddy, talk to me. "

"Lucifer wears on your nerves after a while. I had to manipulate him to escape Asmodeus. I figured out eventually if I made him mad enough, his rage would fuel enough fire for us to escape. I was there with him for weeks, Dean, listening to him whine and moan and complain endlessly. The whole time, I was worried about what Asmodeus might trick you and Sam into doing. I was worried Jack might be captured or killed by demons or angels. I felt so damn helpless."

"I should have known it wasn't you," Dean reiterated. 

"No, Dean," Castiel growled. "You are not going to take responsibility for my stupidity. I could have killed Lucifer right after he told me about Michael. Instead, I let him continue to talk. Then, Asmodeus caught us."

"How did Lucifer find you?" 

Castiel leaned back looking up at the ceiling. "The angel contact betrayed me. They wanted to kidnap me to take me to Heaven, because they thought they could use to me influence Jack. Lucifer actually saved me from being kidnapped. Why am I so gullible, Dean? Every time, the angels betray me. Every time, I trust them again. I'm done with them now. Never again." Castiel's eyes flashed blue for a moment. Dean could feel the crackling of Castiel's energy around him, and the lights flickered. Almost as soon as it started, the energy faded away. Castiel ran his fingers through his hair. "I'm so damn stupid, Dean."

"You were right. Right about Jack. I didn't want to give him a chance. You were right to protect him. He is amazing. He reminds me so much of you." Dean moved his hand from where it was rubbing Castiel's back and wrapped his arm around Castiel's shoulders as he got closer.

"I'm sorry I ran with Kelly, Dean. But I didn't know how to convince you that Jack was good. I'm sorry I took the Colt. I'm sorry I betrayed you again. I'm just sorry." Castiel pushed himself away from Dean and the counter, as the coffee finished brewing. He took out two coffee cups and poured him and Dean a cup.

Dean stood quietly for a moment, watching Castiel's precise movements to serve the coffee. "You ran because I never give you a chance to talk, Cas. I never listen. I always cut you off. I get angry, and I just blow off what you are thinking. I need to listen."

Castiel placed both cups on the kitchen table and sat down heavily. "Many of my decisions are suspect, Dean. I shouldn't have entered the apocalypse world like I did. You and Sam were just taking so long, that I was worried. It's my fault I got killed and wound up in the Empty. I left Jack vulnerable by doing that." Castiel stared at his hands on the coffee mug.

Dean sat down across from Castiel at the table. He sipped the coffee. "Cas, the Empty. You good from everything that happened there?"

Castiel closed his eyes for a moment. He said quietly, "It was probably the worst time of my life, Dean. It was nothing. There was nothing. No hope, no light, no warmth, just nothingness. Then the cosmic entity kept yelling at me because I was awake. He read my mind. He made me relive my worst mistakes. He tried to get me to go back to sleep. I wanted to for a moment, I almost did. But I needed to get back to you," Castiel stared intently at Dean. "I didn't even think about Jack then. I just wanted desperately to get back to you, and Sam, of course. Something happened when he showed me my worst moments though. I realized they didn't destroy me. Every time, I stood up and tried again. Every time, I returned to your side and we fixed things. We made things right. We saved the world. You, me, and Sam. I don't want to leave your side again."

Dean reached his hand over the table and placed it on top of Castiel's. "I don't want you to leave. Cas, every time you leave, I get scared you're not coming back. This time, when you died, I wanted to die too. Hell, I almost did. It all got to be too much. Sitting there, besides your body, on that beach. I broke. I can't imagine life without you. I tried to take Sam and Jack down with me." A single tear rolled down the corner of Dean's eye. "We'll figure out how to save Jack and Mom, and I will work with you every moment to keep Jack safe. Putting our family back together is the most important thing to me. I know it's dangerous for us to try to open a rift to the apocalypse world, but I'm willing to do that to put us back together. That includes Jack. You don't have to bear the entire responsibility for Jack. Let me help. Let's do it together."

"We're a couple of dumbasses." Castiel looked down at his coffee cup.

Dean stood up and walked around the table. He pulled Castiel up to his feet and put his arms around him. "I prefer trusting. Less dumb, less ass."

Castiel snorted, "You're stealing my lines." Castiel wrapped his arms around Dean's waist and put his head on Dean's shoulder.

They stood like that several minutes. Dean felt the warmth from Castiel's body, and that special energy that flowed between him and Castiel when they touched. When Castiel healed him, the energy would be focused. When Castiel was just touching him, the energy flowed lazily around them.

Dean finally said quietly, "When you died, you know the worst thing for me?"

"What?"

"Realizing that I never returned the words you said when you were injured by Ramiel. I do, Cas. You know that. " Dean pressed his lips briefly to Castiel's forehead.

"I know, Dean. It's what broke Naomi's control over me in the crypt, when I was fighting with you over the angel tablet. She had me practice killing you hundreds and hundreds of times. I'd hesitate, and I would be disciplined. Repeatedly, for weeks, maybe months. She finally thought she had destroyed any loyalty I had to you. But then, you looked up at me, battered and bleeding, and said you needed me. None of her simulations could have prepared me for the words. I knew what they meant. I knew what you meant. I knew then where my loyalties were and where they would always be." Castiel pulled back his face enough to gaze into Dean's eyes. 

Dean shivered from the intensity of Castiel's eyes. There was always a thread holding the two of the them together when they stared at each other. He could almost see the energy that flowed between them. So many times, that was what gave him the strength to go on.

"You never told me about that, Cas. About the simulations."

Castiel gave a short, deprecating laugh, "I didn't want you know I was ever successful in killing a version of you."

"But they weren't me and you knew it, deep down."

"You're pretty unique, Dean."

Dean laughed quietly, "I'm just a salty hunter. You're the angel that rebelled to stop the apocalypse."

The corner of Castiel's mouth raised in a small smile, "Hester was right I fell in every way possible. And you, my friend, are Dean Friggin' Winchester, not just another hunter."

They stood there with their faces about an inch apart, just absorbing the quiet moment. The moments they shared were rare, and both of them savored them when they arose. "Cas, it's been too damn long since we were just together."

Castiel hummed as he thought about it, "I think the last time was for a couple of days after my fight with Ishim, as I recovered my grace. We watched Tombstone and True Grit. You gave me the tape of Led Zeppelin songs."

"I almost lost you when we faced Ishim."

"We almost lost each other. Ishim knew how I felt about you. He called you my human weakness. You refused to use the sigil to blast us away. Ishim would have killed both of us if Sam and Lily hadn't arrived." Castiel frowned, "You should have blasted me away."

Dean scoffed, "Like you would save your life if it meant possibly killing me."

"That's true." Castiel smiled as he looked at the ground for a second. He looked back up into Dean's eyes.

"How many times have we had to make choices like that, Cas. You stayed back to slow Raphael down when you sent me to Sam to stop Lilith. Lucifer caused you to explode when you blasted Michael away. You were so bad ass when you came to fight Pestilence even though you were almost all human and had to take the bus to get there. You let me beat the crap out of you trying to get me to stop from going after the Stynes. You carved a damned sigil in your chest to blast away four angels. You held Dick while I killed him."

Castiel snorted, "Thus, getting both of us a one-way trip to Purgatory. In which you spent a year trying to find me, while I kept running away to keep the Leviathans from capturing you. If I had known you knew a way out…"

"Don't do that again. Run. We'll face things together. Everything." Dean looked at him sternly. "No making a decision without us talking about it like when you allowed Lucifer in."

"I thought it was the only hope…" Castiel began.

"You made the right choice. Just like you did with Jack. It's just, we need to stick together and talk through things. I make horrible choices, like when I let Gadreel in Sam, when I took the Mark of Cain, when I sold my soul, when I kicked you out of the bunker. The damnedest thing, even though I kicked you out when you were your most vulnerable, you still came back when I called to help me find Sam. I'm so sorry, Cas. Telling you that you had to leave was one of the worst moments of my life." Dean cupped Castiel's left cheek in his hand and stroked Castiel's cheek with his thumb. He smiled wistfully at Castiel.

Castiel tilted his head slightly. "What are we doing, Dean?"

"I don't know what you are doing, Cas. But I'm trying to build up the nerve."

Castiel looked at him quizzically, "To do what?"

"This." Dean kissed Castiel gently. Castiel stood still and didn't respond. Dean pulled back and started to drop his arms, "I'm sorry…"

"No, Dean. Try it again. I was just…surprised."

Dean hesitated and then kissed him again. Castiel responded gingerly at first, but then suddenly crashed his lips against Dean's, holding him tightly. After a moment, Dean gasped, "A little too tight, Cas. Can't breathe. Ribs."

Castiel loosened his grip. "Oops." He stepped back, looking embarrassed.

"Let's get out of the kitchen before Sam interrupts us." Castiel nodded and followed Dean to Castiel's room. After Dean closed the door behind them, Castiel grabbed and pushed him against the wall, kissing him hungrily. Dean responded passionately. Years of pent up feelings came cascading down on both of them as they tried to pour all their emotions into a single, long kiss. There was a loud pop as the lightbulbs in the room exploded. The room was bathed in the red of the emergency lights. Dean thought he could hear Sam yelling in surprise down the hallway.

Castiel stepped back after several minutes. He looked flustered and was breathing heavy. Dean adjusted his jeans and then ran his fingers through his hair. Castiel looked away from Dean for a minute. "I may have gotten carried away, Dean." 

"Right there with you, pal." Dean smiled.

"What does this mean?" Castiel met Dean's eyes once again.

"Cas, we both might die next time we face Lucifer. Maybe Michael apocalypse version will kill us. Asmodeus might take a shot. Even Ketch if we're slow. But, I'm tired of pretending you're my buddy or my brother, when you are so much more than that to me." Dean paused and swallowed, "I love you. I know you know that, but I need to say the words. I, Dean Winchester, love my dorky angel best friend. I hope we get to raise a son together and weird Sam out a lot by semi-public displays of affection. Because weirding Sam out is awesome." Dean pulled Castiel close again and held him.

"Dean. I do not know the words to describe what you mean to me. You're…" Castiel paused searching for a word. "everything. The opposite of nothing. You are the reason I found my way out of the nothing." 

They kissed longingly again. They both knew that tomorrow, they would have to start the search for Lucifer again. But for tonight, they had each other. That was enough.


End file.
